Just trying to bring some Class to the Suburbs

As you all know I am going to St.Mary’s University in Halifax, Nova Scotia in September, after two years at a small community college 45 minutes from my home. 

One thing I am concerned about is that I have never actually seen the school. Is this weird? I feel like it is. The majority of the people I graduated with went to schools in British Columbia- there’s 7 good schools in the province so I would say that 75% of people went to those, the rest to schools throughout the country. There literally is four schools an hour from my house. That proximity allows people to visit and make their decision. 

St.Mary’s is 6,131 kilometers from where I am sitting right now- the bed I have slept in since I was six years old. And yes I just googled that fact. 

I know it’s crazy to choose a school without seeing it- but I have made the right decision, I think. 

I have done a lot of research- reading articles and looking at stats and even setting up a Google alert for the school. 

However, I have never been there. Flying in Canada is ridiculously expensive-at least 800 dollars for a round trip flight. And that is the lowest fares I could find just now- most of the flights are around the 600 dollar mark for one way.

College visits are great in theory- but there is no way I could ever justify the cost of flight+food+hotel just to see the school. I don’t have that money- and I would never expect my parents to pay for that. 

I know I will get a great education and the school is a great fit for me- it has everything on my “must have” list. 

• big city with culture/things to do (Everyone says that Halifax is fabulous!)
• small size-but not too small (between 5 and 10 thousand- St.May’s has about 7 thousand)
• beautiful campus (the school literally looks picturesque)
• good residences
• VERY far away from home
• Lots of study abroad options (one of my goals)
• small class sizes 
• awesome faculty (my google alerts sent me to numerous articles on awards and recognition that lots of professors are getting!)
• A good “Vibe” during the admissions process

The last point deserves some elaboration. As a transfer student, my application is more complicated than most. A transfer of credits needs to be done, and my GPA needed to be converted to high school averages, and literally dozens of emails were sent. 

St.Mary’s was amazing- they have a dedicated transfer student adviser  No other school I applied to had anything like that- and Brian (yes we are on a first name basis.That’s how much I email him with questions!) has been an invaluable resource. Every email I sent- whether it was to an admissions offices, the registrars office, the residence adviser  was always responded to quickly and nicely. I always felt like each person cared about my question and about me- I know I will not be a “number” as they say. 

It just seems like a really, really nice school.

No school is perfect- especially here in Canada where there is a limited number of schools, and 90% of those are public institutions.  There’s not a lot of choice- and the “good” schools- The University of British Columbia, The University of Toronto, Dalhousie- are all HUGE and overwhelming to me. They do not fit me- and lack all of the benefits of “good” schools in other countries. 

I hope this will work out. It kind of has to- considering I am putting 15 thousand dollars into this, haha. But I know it will be an adventure!

today I was watering the plants- and of course stopped and payed extra attention to this one. A few months ago my brother got the idea in his head that he needed a cactus. So armed with a 20 dollar bill courtesy of my dad, we headed out to the garden store. I bought this one and he bought a weird zebra patterned one. 

I cut up an old tank top and mod podged it to a clay pot- and every time I see this is brightens my day a bit. It resides in our kitchen, on the windowsill (moved for the photo) so it gets lots of light. 

It really is the little things that matter, you know? we both are super attached to our plants- and considering both are still alive we may have escaped my mom’s black thumb!

Tuesday thoughts:

I have a take home exam due in twelve hours. I haven’t looked at the questions yet. oops! 

It’s 16 degrees and absolutely gorgeous out! I might go write my exam out on the back deck later. 

I’m drinking a shirley temple right now. Can you put vodka in that?

This macklemore song is getting me through life. SO good. 

My brother has a free period first thing every Tuesday morning, and today I forgot. Woke up to what I thought was a robber! 

I can’t stop thinking about Boston. I feel like the sandy hook shootings were just yesterday- now this. It’s just too much.

My dad took the car so I can’t go get Starbucks. #firstworldproblems

I love my job. But now I have to find a full time one for this summer and I am just not wanting that at all. But I need money. UGH.

I still can’t believe that I got into all three schools I applied to. So proud of myself!

breaking my tumblr ban for today. I deserve it. 

I finally finished my essay. It’s not good. at all. in fact I’m embarrassed by it.

but I just DO NOT care anymore. I am burnt out.

I need this semester to be over, because my sanity depends on it. I have cried more in the past week than I have in the past year- I am just fragile.

Anyone who tells you that college is easy is obviously lying. or high. 

or just good at time management :) 

you can finish this essay.

you can write the chapter review.

you can study for four exams.

you can work a million shifts- even if it means sacrificing that episode of law & order.

you CAN do all of this.

you just have to choose to.

make the choice. sit down and do it.

on April 19th, you are going to be so glad you did all of the above, because it means a summer of happiness.

new job, friends back at home, lounging by the pool, books in the hammock, shirley temples. late nights by the fire, drinks on the deck, sleeping with just a sheet. frappachinos and iced capps. and your birthday! this summer will be great.  

but in order to get that? you need to get your shit together. 

you can do it. it won’t be fun. but think of it as being in the trenches at war.

dramatic- but pretty accurate. 

you are great. you are smart. you CAN do this. 

My mom got mad at me for being grumpy and rude to her. She wanted to engage in conversation about her job, I just kept on typing. Apparently that’s not okay.

I am incredibly stressed and overwhelmed right now- I have never felt this behind, school wise. The end of the semester is so close- but the amount of work I have to finish before It is done is mind boggling. 

I have three shifts at work this week, and my volunteering on Thursday  plus school all day tomorrow and Friday  There is just not enough time to do things. 

Also I have been having lots of panic attacks this week- stress is a huge trigger for me, in regards to my phobia. So one article about an earthquake  that I read on Sunday basically ruined my night- I could barely sleep, I was so panicky. I don’t deal well with not a lot of sleep so Monday was not good. I am just tired of being scared. 

Plus I had to drop my brothers off this morning and have to pick them up from school- that turns my homework time from seven hours to five- a big deal. Their schools are far away and they both get out at different times, it’s so frustrating to just be driving when I could be typing. I have to work tonight, so that takes out the whole evening. 

I just wish she would see that I am not doing well. No, I’m not happy. No, I’m not being especially nice. Why? I’m fucking stressed.

Not everything is about her- I have been like this for the whole week. I just got to her house yesterday. My dad knows I’m busy this week- he gave me my space, and offered to help me with my essay even. My mom is incable of fixing or even helping my problems, apparently all she can do is accuse me of things and cause an argument. 

I’m not even asking her to do things for me- all I want is to be left alone. Let me do my homework. Let me be a little bit huffy and quiet. I am not myself- realise that this will pass. Next week all will be well, but I just need to be like this for a few more days. 

UGH. she is impossible. 

I really want to have a clean lifestlyle. One where I take care of what I put into my body, what I am doing to my body, how I am treating my body.

I want a healthy mind AND a healthy body. I truly, truly, believe they are mutually exclusive.

I want to run and do things like pilates and exercise videos. I want to eat things like cucumber and green tea. I want to wear a crop top if I want, or high wasted shorts or a bandage dress and feel comfortable. I want to get rid of stretch marks and love handles and sagginess.

I want to not jump out of my skin at every single sound, I want to be a calm person. I want to not be an emotional wreck. I want to get rid of my OCD rituals that are currently RULING my life. I want to curb the anxiety.

I can get there. I have had a body I am proud of- but never a calm presence or a healthy mind.

how to achieve this? NO IDEA.

tips?

1 am. going to bed. 

NOT SETTING THE ALARM.

mental health morning.

cleaning the house in the afternoon (the fam gets back thursday morning! gotta clean for mom)

work from 5 to 9:30.

…….and school all day thursday. but no school friday!

must.finish.this.paper

WRITE OR DIE

today I had a research presentation- it was a group project. it was a campus wide thing- everyone had posters and set up in the concourse(the huge lobby).

as we were explaining our project to some random dude, our professer came up to do her review and grading of our project. We were killing it- we all articultated our points so well to this guy, and she just watched.

turns out the guy was the DEAN OF SCIENCE. as he was leaving he told her that our project was fantastic- and she told us we did such a good job.

it was great! I’m really excited to see our mark.

now to write this paper! (h8 lyfe)

red eye flights are killer.

I am so tired. jet lag on top of three hours of sleep? not a happy morgan.

i have so much homework to do sleep is just not an option right now.

ugh ugh ugh is this semester over yet?

I’m home.

Hawaii was great. Not as relaxing as I wanted- but good. Great bonding with the fam.

Not happy to be home.

More later!

I’m a proud feminist. I know a whole lot about it (you know, women’s studies and gender relations major haha)

but I have recently come to the decision that when I have kids, I will probably want to be a stay at home mom for an extended period of time.

I want to be there. allll the time.

I don’t like the idea of valuing my career over my kids. Not that being a working mother is doing that- but my personal justication has always been “I want a career, I don’t want to give that up just to have kids”.

That isn’t sitting right.

I see being a stay at home mom as just another career- but who knows what I will actually think when I’m 30, but for now? I am seeing it as an actual option. one that is desirable to me.

I honestly could never imagine not raising my future kids in suburbia.

you bet I will have a big backyard, a swing set, a safe neighborhood so they can play outside and be okay. Oh and a Trampoline!

and great schools and huge, huge parks with fun play equipment. rec entres with a swimming pool and a waterslide. a library with story time.

and ginormous grocery stores and chain stores in a mall and nothing to do on a friday night.

perfection.

honestly, suburbia is special. I will always love it. I know I won’t always live here, but I damn well know it will always be it for me. if I ever leave- I will come back eventually. maybe not to this town, but some suburb out there will be home for me. Suburbia is my safe haven. My place to just be. away from the hustle and bustle of the city.

bags are packed. about to tidy up before I go to bed- and then it’s up bright and early!

hawaii here I come!! (at least I’ll be there in 21 hours and 38 minutes!)